Broken Down

Have you ever had that feeling or went through a time where nobody and nothing was on your side??  If you haven't, consider yourself lucky.  It is not something I would wish on my worst enemy.  It is so hard to be so in love and so happy with a person but not be able to show your family that happiness, because they are too busy being stuck in their own sick, judgmental, prejudice world.  This past year with Tony has been one of the best of my life.  Whenever I'm around him or just talking to him I instantly feel happy.  Not that superficial kind of happiness where you get excited, I mean the kind that you feel deep in your heart and in the pit of your stomach.  He treats me so good and would never do anything to hurt me.  I wish my mom could see that.  I know if she met him just once, she would see that he's not a stereotypical black guy.  (ya know, "gangster rapper")  He's everything I'm not in the sense that he loves the country and that he loves to hunt and fish and go to the lake... All the things that I don't like to do, but my family wishes I would do...Already, without even meeting, him and my mom and brian have something in common.  Keeping this in mind, after she saw how good he treats me and how happy he makes me I am absolutely positive that she would love him.  I will never be able to describe how painful it is to know that the reason Tony and I can't have a normal relationship where we can see each other all the time and not sneak around because my parents are racists... I don't think that my mom understands that she is all I have.  My dad is not in my life anymore.  Even when he was, he wasn't.  (if that makes sense) She's all I have and I can't even go to her when I have a problem because all she does is tell me that what I'm feeling is wrong.  Our relationship is hanging by a thread and all she can do is go kiss brians ass some more.  Which is all she does anyways.  She seems to forget that brian was not the one who was comforting her and taking care of her when she completely shut down after my dad left.  My dad caused a lot of stress on my family.  He was addicted to crack/cocaine, cheated on my mom multiple times, and left us emotionally, financially, and mentally ruined.  My mom seems to think that she was the only one that was effected by this.  I was about  10 when I found out about all of this.  While going through this I didn't only have myself to think about, I had to set an example for my little brother.  I needed to show him how to be strong, I couldn't break down like my mom did.  I had to be emotionally and mentally mature wayyy before I  was ready.  I needed time to just be a kid.  and I never got that.  I just want to be able to share my thoughts and emotions with somebody like a normal person.  And she's not giving me a chance to do that.  No matter how many times I tell her, I don't think she fully understands how severely its affecting our mother/daughter relationship.  All I know is that I'm ready to graduate and go to college and start my own life.  Just get outta this awful house and town and family... Sorry for the sob story, I just had a lot on my chest.

Tis the Season

This Thanksgiving break was pleasantly surprising.  I was with my best friend pretty much from the moment we left school until Saturday night. We went Black Friday shopping, although we didn't go as hardcore as we did last year.  I got my niece some footy pajamas, I got part of Morgyy's present,  I got some great ideas for Tony's present, plus some stuff for myself.  That just leaves my sisters present (a book), the other half of Morgyy's present (a mirror and sticky letters), Brittany's present (belly button rings, monster energy drinks, and some mix cd's), presents for my family, Jamie's One Direction cardboard cutout, and Tony's present (a Nike hoodie, stuffed tiger, homemade pink lemonade, bag of snickers, socks that say "suck my dick", and a mix cd of songs that reminds me of us).  Sounds like a lot doesn't it.  It's actually not...  Tuesday or Wednesday I'm going to take some old dresses to this place that will buy them from me, getting job applications, and I might go to the basketball game.  Saturday me, Jamie, and Morgan are going to Tony's college because they want to meet him.  He has a basketball game but he's a red shirt so he won't actually play until next year.  I'm ready to see him, I miss him a lot.  Last night was kind of insightful, me and Tony had a long conversation about our future and our future kids.  We started off just kidding but then we started actually being serious.  We agreed that  we wanna have a kid when I'm around 25.  If that actually happens we will have been together for 10 years.  That is insane to even think about.  Right now we've only been together for 4 and 1/2 months, but we've known each other and been talking for about a year so let's just see if we can make it to a year before we get to serious about having babies... Anyways, lemme get back to these resource notes before I fail AP English and commit suicide.  Not really but if I fail that's pretty much what I'll feel like doing.

The Weeknd

This weekend was a surprisingly good one.  Friday I picked Tony and Brittany up and went to see Breaking Dawn..Lame, I know.. Which was pleasantly surprising.  We ended up being late for the 4:30 movie so we decided to wait until the one at 5:45.  To pass time we decided to walk around what Wilson tries to call a mall.  So basically we went to the comic book store and looked at canvases and paint, walked around bath & body works and smelled candles, after that we went in the vitamin store and ended up looking at male enhancement pills for a good 10 minutes before we realized what we were doing.  Brittany met her boyfriend, Luis, at the movies so me and Tony sat by ourselves.  We cuddled the entire movie, which was great.  Afterwards we went to McDonald's where he proceeded to eat all of my fries from my happy meal.  Needless to say this did not make me too happy (bad pun).  When I dropped tony off he told me to hold on  while he went in the house.  When he came out he had a ginormous pink and purple bear !  He handed it to me gave me a kiss and told me he loved me and to call him when I got home.  I thought this was the sweetest thing.  The rest of my night consisted of me pushing the limits of the universe trying to get Brittany home before 9:00, I don't have my after 9's yet.  I ended up getting home around 9:20.  I was home alone all day Saturday and Sunday.  Saturday my family went hunting, something that has no appeal whatsoever to me.  Sunday they went to the gun show.  They didn't bother telling me they were going to be gone either day.  So I ate a salad and a taco on Saturday (healthy right).  And on Sunday I had a poptart for breakfast,  a sub for lunch, and chips and mini muffins for supper.  With all this healthy eating I'm doing I should be in the right kind of shape for my Victoria's Secret photoshoot next week.  In other news, I'm applying to two or three stores so wish me luck.  Cause I'm so broke it's not even funny.

Me, Myself, and I

My name is Melinda. I'm 16 and a junior in high school, aka the worst year I'll ever live.  Just to warn you my thoughts are very sporadic, this will probably be the most unorganized post you have ever read.  Basically my life consists of dancing, being way too emotionally involved in books and movies, and wreaking havoc with my 4 best friends on the weekends.  I hang out with pretty much 4 people.  Brittany, Morgan, Jamie, and Tony.  I moved here 3 years ago and if you would have asked me what my biggest wish was then I would have said I just wanted to move back to my old school.  Now my feelings have completely changed.  
I feel like I can be more myself with the friends that I've made at this school than I could at my old school.  I don't think I could ask for better friends.  Morgan and me are basically the same person in two different bodies.  Brittany and me are the same in a lot of ways, I tell her everything.  Jamie is my partner in crime.  We are OBSESSED with One Direction.  Tony on the other hand is not only my best friend, he is also my boyfriend.  He is pretty much the best thing in my life right now.  I can honestly say I love him with all my heart, I've never thought that about anyone else, I tell him everything.  Okay, Okay.  Enough of the lovey dovey my life is perfect thing, because it is far from it.  Even though I'm happy with Tony I can't see him when I want to because my mom and her boyfriend don't "approve" in other words they don't like his skin color.  Our situation sucks, but the fact that he still wants to be with me knowing how my family is, makes me love him even more.  But hey, I only have about 1 and 1/2 years till I start college so I can tough it out right?? Well I hope so... I know my mom loves me, sometimes she just doesn't see that for me to be happy she has to get past her own...judgmental views.  My whole school career has been based off of the fact that I wanna go to the best college I can.  That being said I am drowning in my classes this year.  So if after you finish reading this you feel the need to keep up with my life, just be prepared to hear me bitch and whine about how hard my classes are.  My life is not great, but it doesn't completely suck either.  Welcome to my world.  Enjoy your stay. :)