Broken Down

Have you ever had that feeling or went through a time where nobody and nothing was on your side??  If you haven't, consider yourself lucky.  It is not something I would wish on my worst enemy.  It is so hard to be so in love and so happy with a person but not be able to show your family that happiness, because they are too busy being stuck in their own sick, judgmental, prejudice world.  This past year with Tony has been one of the best of my life.  Whenever I'm around him or just talking to him I instantly feel happy.  Not that superficial kind of happiness where you get excited, I mean the kind that you feel deep in your heart and in the pit of your stomach.  He treats me so good and would never do anything to hurt me.  I wish my mom could see that.  I know if she met him just once, she would see that he's not a stereotypical black guy.  (ya know, "gangster rapper")  He's everything I'm not in the sense that he loves the country and that he loves to hunt and fish and go to the lake... All the things that I don't like to do, but my family wishes I would do...Already, without even meeting, him and my mom and brian have something in common.  Keeping this in mind, after she saw how good he treats me and how happy he makes me I am absolutely positive that she would love him.  I will never be able to describe how painful it is to know that the reason Tony and I can't have a normal relationship where we can see each other all the time and not sneak around because my parents are racists... I don't think that my mom understands that she is all I have.  My dad is not in my life anymore.  Even when he was, he wasn't.  (if that makes sense) She's all I have and I can't even go to her when I have a problem because all she does is tell me that what I'm feeling is wrong.  Our relationship is hanging by a thread and all she can do is go kiss brians ass some more.  Which is all she does anyways.  She seems to forget that brian was not the one who was comforting her and taking care of her when she completely shut down after my dad left.  My dad caused a lot of stress on my family.  He was addicted to crack/cocaine, cheated on my mom multiple times, and left us emotionally, financially, and mentally ruined.  My mom seems to think that she was the only one that was effected by this.  I was about  10 when I found out about all of this.  While going through this I didn't only have myself to think about, I had to set an example for my little brother.  I needed to show him how to be strong, I couldn't break down like my mom did.  I had to be emotionally and mentally mature wayyy before I  was ready.  I needed time to just be a kid.  and I never got that.  I just want to be able to share my thoughts and emotions with somebody like a normal person.  And she's not giving me a chance to do that.  No matter how many times I tell her, I don't think she fully understands how severely its affecting our mother/daughter relationship.  All I know is that I'm ready to graduate and go to college and start my own life.  Just get outta this awful house and town and family... Sorry for the sob story, I just had a lot on my chest.